"May the peace of God be with you," she says, her voice low, "even in the midst of trouble."
"Why would it?" I say softly, so no one else can hear. "After all I've done..."
It's usually around this time of year that I reorganize my life by setting new routines, goals, and if I'm lucky, good habits as I get back into the swing of school (now work). I started a journal in 2011 that covers the months of August through about October for the past three years. Each year I have revised and added to goals I made on September 7, 2011 in hopes of continuously trying to achieve them though my attempts consistently fail. A couple weeks ago as I reflected on the revised goals I made this time last year, I became discouraged and disappointed in myself as I realized the lack of progress made with some of those goals due to choices I have made over the past year. I haven't completely mastered the concept yet, but I am learning the process of forgiving myself.
I am mostly surprised and somewhat proud that I haven't completely abandoned this blog since my first post almost four years ago. Despite the often lengthy time between shared thoughts and the frequent grammatical errors, I feel it is a good representation of what I have learned through past experiences (good and bad) and how going through those experiences, that at the time I may have resented, have all taken part in shaping who I am today.
Something I have put a lot of thought into lately is the concept of self-acceptance. Through some recent experiences of my own and ones I have observed others going through, I have noticed that self-acceptance is easy to neglect. At the same time, I have noticed many people in and out of my life who live according to their own desires (which do not always coincide with the Church's standards) yet rejoice in the word of the Lord. I used to think these people were hypocritical. However, as I have thought more in depth about the lives they lead, I am less judgmental of their choices and somewhat more envious of their self-acceptance.
I say this but please do not mistake my words for me discounting the fact that we should always be making a conscious effort to be better. Striving to be better should always be the goal as there is always room for improvement. The message I am trying to convey is that although there is always room for improvement, we should judge ourselves less harshly for past mistakes. Scratch that; we should let our God be our judge as He is the only all-knowing being and therefore the only one who will view our mistakes justly. We should practice more patience and charity when self-reflecting and we should endeavor to forgive ourselves more often. Feelings of self-doubt, uncertainty and insecurity will never harvest positive thoughts, words and actions or motivate favorable change. Self-acceptance and positive self-reflection will allow for forgiveness of past mistakes and encourage strength to make better decisions in the future. As I stated, I am still learning this process and though it is a continuous work in progress, it's a goal most all of us could set to be better at. Be kind to yourself and you'll find that with greater self-acceptance comes more happiness in life and a more optimistic view of the future.
"It isn't about you," she says. "It is a gift. You cannot earn it, or it ceases to be a gift."
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